AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |
Back to Blog
I hate myself for loving you youtube4/25/2023 ![]() Seeking money and materialistic pleasure was only bringing transient happiness at best. I was raised Catholic, considered myself atheist for a decade, now consider myself Catholic again and attend mass weekly. I doubt many, if any, win read this, but it was therapeutic to write. The answers he provided will stay with me for life. Ever since then, I just can't NOT believe in God. It felt like they were somehow part of my experience and got to feel the presence of God like I did.Īll in all, while it was a minor and very subtle experience to read about. I wanted to scream "it was me! God came and spoke to me! I am the great thing that happened!" But I kept it in. They were asking each other, "did you feell that?" It was surreal. They just had an intense prayer session and they all felt a strong presence of the holy Spirit. The all looked up at each other and said "wow, that was amazing! Something great happened tonight, and I don't know what" They looked like they were in awe, eyes wide open. As I entered the tent, the group was holding hands in a circle and just finished praying. I wanted to talk to the pastor and tell him my experience. ![]() ![]() After the experience I went back to the tent where they were having service. I myself at that point STILL kind of thought it could've just been a hallucination. It's not that amazing or supernatural of a story. This is where your faith comes in" he also made me feel like my unbelief was "okay" in the way you would forgive a child for yelling out "I hate you" during a tantrum. I asked if he could appear to me or show me an angel or something, and his response was "no, that would be too easy. I'm here talking to you" or something to that order. I was angry at times, yet he had all the answers. God sounded very chill "He" didn't have a voice per say, but it was in my head. It was like schizophrenic episode (Note, I have no history of mental illness) but no, it was God. And I began to hear and internal voice as answers. My mind flooded with questions about religion and why I felt the way I felt. What was happening to me? At this point, it began to feel like a religious experience. I then tried to leave the Humvee, but it felt like my hands were stuck on the stressing wheel. Like a serious hard cry, yet I wasn't feeling sad. Suddenly a deluge of tears began pouring from my eyes. I just felt like I needed to sit alone in this Humvee. My symptoms weren't getting worse, I wasn't getting tired. Here I was going back to my cot and I just decided to sit down in this Humvee. On my way back, I had this sudden compulsion to sit in one of the empty Humvee ambulances. It almost felt like I was supernaturally expelled from the tent. I figured I was coming down with something and was heading back to my cot to sleep it off. They barely acknowledged me, I guess it looked like I didn't care anyway. I just abruptly stood up, gave a nod to the pastor and left the tent while everyone was still reading. I began to feel this kind of anxiety, like I had to go. I began to get tunnel vision, my skin felt prickly with goosebumps and my ears started to ring. This moment was going to further cement my atheism. Like gullible children believing in a fairy tale. Angel-men? Really?" I began to look down at all of them like fools. And in my head I was thinking "wow, this stuff is ridiculous. They read this passage that talked about half-man angels and large angels. I wasn't being outwardly rude, but I clearly wasn't buying into it. ![]() I kind of sat away from the group, I chuckled to myself and rolled my eyes at the cheesy testimonies. I attended the service and it was just as I thought. Maybe il meet a cool girl there, I thought to myself. I finally relented one night and decided to go, like I said I was bored. He was trying to get me to go for weeks, and i would laugh it off and jeer him about his cheesy congregation. The pastor was actually my petty officer, and I had nothing better to do. Years later when serving in the Navy, while deployed in the dessert, I agreed to go to a church service. I was also heavily into science and it became harder and harder to make a case for a loving God in my mind. God clearly didn't choose sides in this world, I was done. It wasn't just her, it was other things I prayed for or noticed about religion. Religion was exposed as complete bullshit to me. I became atheist after my cousin died from cancer and after years of praying for her.
0 Comments
Read More
Leave a Reply. |